i was always against these online things where everyone vents their thoughts and just babbles on and on about everything and anything thing... but i thought why not... maybe it will help my sanity...

i don't know how well people think they know me... but i supposed people only see what you show them about yourself... nothing more, nothing less... its only when you give them a glimpse of whats really going on that they will ever really know what it is that makes you tick...

i am about to graduate in 2 days and i can't say that i really know what it is i want to do with my life... and i suppose now is the time to really decide...

i started here 5 years ago... and i hope have come a long way from where i was back then...

i came to maryland undecided... in my major and lost in an image of myself that i didn't understand...

high school was fun, i knew more about who i was then... but then my senior beach week came, 14 days of a drunken, high, smoke filled party... and i was raped...

i got caught up, i was high, intoxicated, and naive... and he clenched my 17 year old innocence in his sweaty palms... held my wrists tight... and thrusted me away till passing out... maybe he was too drunk to hear me repeat the those words over and over and over...

i picked myself up and tried to rationalize it in my head... maybe i wanted it and just didn't know it... so i tired to make myself believe that i did... so i tried to be that girl... and i partied and partied hard...

i came home and tired to be who i was before... but i didn't know her anymore... so that summer,  i thought maybe if i just kept smokin, rollin, tripping, candy flipping,... fucking, if i could just embrace it... maybe i could just accept it...

i started school thinking and trying to make sense of it... i spent my first semester in terp towers... then i moved into Elkton 4 and a revelation set in... new bonds with new people... they helped me forget... all that i wanted to... and i just smoked it away everyday

i felt refreshed and new again... a new start sophomore year in LaPlata... courtyards 4 junior year... until someone followed me home from a party and tried to force his way in... i heard the echo of those words from mouth all over again... no...no... my roommate saved me that day from my stupidity... leaving him outside knockin a little while... a few days later i find another planted in my bed... pants undone, drunk, mumbling, and unwilling to leave... maybe it was harmless in both cases but they triggered my lost memories that i thought i forgot... i learned that repressed memories don't stay dormant forever...

i found my nights sleepless... reoccurring nightmares of that night replayed over an over... i never wanted to sleep... petrified with thoughts of seeing his face and feeling his rum soaked breath on my ear and him inside me... but lucky for me i found company in my insomnia with another nomad looking for a safe place to dream...

i found temporary comfort in that... but the comfort i needed, i needed to find in myself... months of counseling came and went.... but words didn't flow so easily out of my head... days and nights began to merge... i had to completely exhaust my body to fall asleep...i got tired of hiding, so there were those that i told... close friends... and then my mom... probably the hardest conversation i have ever had to have... how do you tell your mother that... but i did it... and kept moving... and thats what i continued to do... i kept moving... i woke up one morning and i found bruises all over my arms...i was fighting myself in my sleep, i was fighting him off... black and blue... whatever it was... i had to make it ok...  i had to make it a part of me... then i realized that what holds you back is just in your mind...

so now... i finally feel ok... and i sleep at night... i found peace in my experiences and accept that they are part of me, not what defines me...

so that power hungry control freak was my subconscious trying to control all that i have felt has been out of my control... all that i couldn't stop from happening... and all the issues i stored deep inside me... till they decided to scratch their way out to the surface on their own...

i have done and said a lot of things... and i am not so sure that i meant any of it anymore... but its too late to think back and dwell on any of the decisions that i have made and things that i have done... and i am sorry for not being honest about a lot of things and with people close to me... i didn't know how to be... i didn't know myself...

i may seem a certain way to a lot of people... but things aren't as they seem...

so thats part of what has been going through my head over these 5 years... and i don't think that i would change a moment of it...

and its now time to start writing a new chapter... and i am not quite sure where to begin...